The Back Foot Punch

Heavy Soul

2009-03-02T21:08:00.003Z

I am a housing officer, yes that's right, a man given the unenviable task of trying to manage a society of people who would find a neighbour to annoy and fight with even if they lived on a desert island. The coconuts would leave in their droves. I generalise of course, as the large majority of the tenants in our houses are nice people who are genuine and form an important part of our society, unfortunately my role means I never see them.

Instead I just deal with the needy trouble makers who insist on using the made up word of 'turnt' instead of 'turned' in their letters to me. I did once remark to a tenant that she had pretty much written her letter phonetically and I was having trouble deciphering it. Suffice to say her response did not need any deciphering.

I do feel guilty moaning about my job, I am rather a 'high maintenance' employee at times, but sometimes I do wish I had maybe fallen into something a little less 'corrosive on the soul' to earn my daily bread. Take today for example, I received an e-mail to say that an operative who had visited one of our properties did not complete his repair as the state of the property was disgusting and he felt sick, apparently there was dog poo everywhere, walls, carpets, doors etc. So they are now expecting me to venture round to the brick encased pet outhouse to 'check out' the situation and make some sort of report back. What do they want me to say? I have a feeling the report will be short...Was there poo present..Yes...Was it disgusting...Yes...On a scale of 1 - 10, with 10 being the pooiest, would you put the poo...

But on the bright side have just enrolled for an Open university course which I am hoping will enable me to escape this world of gloom for a brighter career. We shall see, I must first tame the beast that is procrastination and make it my slave, or at least just remove spider Solitaire from my PC would be a start...

Toodle Pip

It's a Brand New Day...

2009-02-15T16:35:00.003Z

My first post for the year 2009, why the long wait? Why the sudden impetuous to write down another sentence when I'm pretty sure nobody has ever read one of my posts before? Well despite being a pessimist I have now found twitter, which in reality is just another item on the Internet to distract me from what I should be doing when I sit down at my computer. But on the other hand it allows you to put your web or blog address on as part of your profile, so who knows, someone may be fool enough to click on it one day, and as such I thought I had better put a more up to date post on!

I have decided though to branch out my postings, for what was once a cricket blog (I don't know why I ever attempted this really, I do not know enough about cricket to have really threatened some of the established cricket blogs, and all of a sudden I found that instead of watching the game I love and wrapping myself up in it's warm eccentricities and statistics, I was worried about how I would put across my thoughts about the latest ECB blunder or poor England performance in a factual yet entertaining way) so I have decided now to just use it to blog about whatever I feel at the time.

So this could cover anything really, and in reality will cease to be a blog where people will come to get the latest comment on the latest cricket issues (who am I kidding there eh!) and instead be somewhere I can get my thoughts down about subjects as far apart as the current economic crises to why ham is quite frankly the king of all sandwich fillers, bar none.

So buckle up your seat belt, or just hold on a little tighter as my thoughts and wanderings take you gently down the meandering country lane which is my mind.

Toodle pip

Trout, Trout, Let It All Out...

2008-09-16T19:46:00.005Z

Call us old fashioned here at the Back Foot Punch, but sports stars are going all soft on us these days. Only our very own Freddie has made a half decent attempt at getting himself dropped from the team with his infamous 'Freddalo' incident.

I talk of course about the decision to drop Andrew Symonds from Australia's forthcoming tour of India after he missed a 'compulsory' team meeting to go fishing. I know he has courted controversy in the past, even once turning up for training after having a few cheeky beers, but if he is going to get himself dropped I would at least expect some outrageous antics to really warrant a dismissal!

Here's how the conversation should really have gone...

Man at Cricket Australia - 'So Andrew, why did you miss the meeting
mate?'

Andrew Symonds - 'Ah mate I went fishing'

MaCA - 'Fishing! What the bloody Henry do you think you are doing mate? At
least tell me it was something like shark or barracuda you were going
for'

AS - 'Actually mate it was Rainbow Trout...'

MaCA - 'Rainbow bloody Trout mate! Ah mate that won't do, were there any
strippers there? had you had a real skinful...anything?'

AS - 'Ah come on mate, I've been there and done that, you know I
turned up for training drunk once'

MaCA - 'Mate, you had eaten a box of chocolate liqueurs you found at your
nans house'

AS - 'Yeah mate but even so...'

MaCA - 'No mate, this won't do, your an Aussie for Christ sake, not a
bloody wussie pom, right I want you to go out and get as drunk as you possibly
can, here's $500, and make sure there is either a hooker or a horse present when
you get caught'

Oh well, I guess in this modern world there isn't much you can get away with these days, Toodle pip...

Ruthless Germans lift Champions Trophy...

2008-08-25T15:27:00.009Z

Well finally the ICC have thrashed out a decision regarding the Champions Trophy either going or not going ahead this year. And the verdict is...well the verdict is that the competition will be postponed until next year, October 2009 to be precise.

The ICC deliberated about the best way to handle this situation, keen to avoid upsetting Pakistan but keeping in mind the safety concerns of those competing. The bit I like most about this whole situation was one of the possible solutions dreamt up by the ICC, that being to carry on with the tournament without those who intended to boycott the event, namely South Africa, England, New Zealand, Australia and West Indies, and replace these with other countries.

Now, seeing as there aren't many other competitive teams out there this could have been an interesting proposition, and I do wonder who they had in mind to fill the giant hole that would have been so obviously apparent. Maybe the following extract, which has of course been completely made up, with a few stereotypes thrown in, could have filled the columns of the sporting pages...

'The Champions Trophy finally draws to a close and what a fascinating, if not absurdly unique competition it has been. It all started with both Cambodia and Germany striding through the Qualifying rounds to join the other competing nations in the group stages.

Germany in Group A, felt a little unlucky to find themselves up against India, USA and Cornwall (who recently declared Independence from the UK) The Cambodians on the other hand felt cock sure of progression Group B when they drew Sri Lanka, Pakistan and Vatican City.

Group A turned out some thrilling matches, especially the 7 wicket win Germany enjoyed over India after a powerful batting display from Gruber Bernhard, who went about the Indian bowlers in typical efficient fashion, his white lederhosen a blur between the two wickets. Cornwall meanwhile showed the USA how it's done, beating them by over 700 runs (the USA demanding in their matches runs were worth 20 times the normal amount). Germany and Cornwall went on to top the table, Germany just ahead, and be the first two teams into the semi finals.

Group B was a little more pedestrian in comparison, with only half the scheduled games being played. Vatican City refused to play on Sunday and Cambodia, after a rousing victory over Sri Lanka in their opening match, were only able to muster 5 players for their next game as some of the team had 'disappeared' after a celebratory banquet. However, despite Vatican City playing one less game they were able to progress to the semi final along with the home team, Pakistan.

The first semi final match saw Pakistan, the bookies favourites, line up against a strong Cornwall side. Pakistan took first to the crease and posted a healthy 315 for the chasing Cornishmen, who are notoriously good at holding their nerve when batting second. So it was a little surprising to see them all out for 125 after some average Pakistan bowling. When asked, the Cornish coach could only blame the fact there were no actual Cornish people in the team, which in fact was made up of holidaying Londoners who just have a nice little weekend home down on the coast.

The second match boasted the strong batting line up of Germany against the Vatican City's top seam bowler, Joseph Ratzinger, who could have actually turned out for Germany had he not been forced to seek Cricket elsewhere due to Germany's controversial religious quotas system, in which he did not want to be the 'token pope' in the team. It was a great game which ebbed and flowed, with Ratzinger finishing on figures of 5 - 39, but unfortunately savage efficiency finally won over blind faith and the German's set up a meeting with Pakistan in the final.

And what a final it was to be, Pakistan lost the toss and were put into field, but some good bowling and fielding restricted the German's to 215. However, Pakistan's innings didn't get off to a good start with 4 wickets falling for just 36 runs, but wayward bowling allowed them back into the game and in an exciting finale they needed 5 off of the last ball to take the match. Fortunately for Germany just 4 runs were scored, leaving the match tied and the ominous prospect of a 'bowl off' to decide the match. Germany were always in control at this point, having a very good record in previous bowl off rounds and saw the match home scoring all 5 hits to Pakistan's 3.

So Germany leave as winners of the Champions Trophy, they came, they saw and they truly did conquer'

The Back Foot Punch Gets Hitched...

2008-08-18T19:40:00.004Z

I haven't blogged for ages...again. But this time my excuse is rather more solid, more solid than the whimsical tale of french fancies and trumpets I used last time. Not that I used that last time, but I like a white lie here and there...

England's tough encounter with Scotland was rained off today, and I can't say I'm surprised as it has been raining steadily over the border for the last week. I can say that confidently as I happened to be in Edinburgh last week and it pissed down for the whole 3 days we were there. Oh but what was I doing in Edinburgh I pretend to hear you cry?

Well as the title suggests, I of the Back Foot Punch, strolled up the aisle on the 8th August and married rather a stunner. After a glorious day of emotion and wine we had a short honeymoon in Edinburgh to take in some of the festival. We will then be proceeding to Canada in a few weeks to see what all the noise is about.

Cricket wise, well what is there to say at the moment? We await confirmation of how this whole champions league thing is going to work and to see if Pakistan is safe to travel to. Vaughny has of course hung up his captains boots (as well as his batting ones for the time being?) and KP has been promoted to the top spot. We have lost the recent series to South Africa 2 - 1 and will probably get a spanking in the forthcoming one day series.

There, that was easy wasn't it, all rounded up in a neat and tidy paragraph.

Oh dear...

2008-07-22T19:59:00.003Z

There is a story told of an England coaching manual, passed down from generation to generation to whoever leads a team heralding from this tiny land. No matter how big your balls, or what shape they are (don't be rude, I simply meant Cricket, Rugby or Football) you have to follow the rules set out in the ancient book.

Well I have glimpsed sight of this book, and I know what is written within it's pages. Quite simply it says on page one - 'If you have put in a jolly good performance during a match and shown what you are capable of with the right attitude, do not under any circumstances do this again!' This is then followed by 20 pages of drawings about dogs.

I know South Africa have a good, strong batting line up, and I know that the pitch didn't offer too much, but why can't we show a bit of muscle and dig deep? I am still a little mystified by the inclusion of Darrren Pattinson, not because I don't think he isn't a good bowler, but because we have others who maybe should have been before him. How will Mr Tremlett feel? He loyally follows the team around, waiting for his chance, only to see it disappear in a cloud of 'Actually I'm a proud Aussie but will take this England cap' smoke. We're supposed to be encouraging our youngsters to want to play for England, this will not help.

Maybe we will turn it round in the next two tests, but if we are going to then we are going to have to start showing a bit of character, something lacking in English sport as a whole sometimes.

At Least Get it in the Basket...

2008-07-16T19:53:00.002Z

I haven't blogged for a while, no real reason I guess, other than self loathing and the morbid fear of dying whilst eating a choc ice...oh my, I seem to have my blogs mixed up again! Ah yes, The Back Foot Punch, cricket...

The scene, a cold and blowy English summers morning (is England the only place where climate change seems to be having the opposite effect?) A giant set of oak gallows casts a shadow across the lush green grass. At it's side stands Twenty20, a big, fat figure, dressed in just a pair of skin tight black trousers (not sure why, I am a little worried that my vision of Twenty20 as a human is wearing trousers such as these) with a matching black mask (yeah, I am worried) He holds the rope which in turn allows the giant razor sharp blade on the other end to hang in the air. A whimper is heard beneath it and at first glance you find it hard to believe, but your eyes have not deceived you. In front of the device kneels a familiar face, the once pressed shirt hangs crumpled, the trousers hang loose, their once white hue dirty and brown. Twenty20 laughs and lets the blade drop a little further, as test cricket closes it's eyes and waits for the inevitable sound of the thunderous cutter as it slices through it's soul...

Over the top? Probably. A little melodramatic? Of course. But how long my friends until the executioner has his way?

Ze Germans

2008-06-25T21:31:00.003Z

I missed the match, yeah I didn't even watch the highlights (I was watching the football) Oh spare me your mock disgust (I was supporting Germany) My god man, stop typing before you start telling everyone you are going to start killing their nans! I joke of course, but supporting Germany is quite bad, they are almost in line with supporting Australia in cricket...

So was the game good? I have read there were moments of intrigue, a near knocking out, a controversial decision and a lack lustre finish by the old coves batting for our side. Fancy letting a Kiwi bowler of all slip two runs past us to take the game, the lead in the series and win a date with Graham Swann's mum (that will teach you to overthrow when fielding allowing two runs Mr Swann...unless of course this didn't happen and by not watching the match and making my own judgements I have got it all horribly wrong)

Whats this about Colly and his decision to allow a stumping after witnessing the Kiwi batter flop to the floor after a collision with our very Sidebottom? I like the style though, take the wicket and then admit your mistake after the match, of course this would have been better had we won, but instant karma really is going to get you by the looks of things.

I just thought it was a very hairy man...

2008-06-15T18:15:00.004Z

Switch hitting, good or bad, fair or unfair it is a sight to watch. The two sixes KP launched with the left handed grip showed us just what a talented guy he is, but then we didn't really need that confirming. Styris just had to take it on the chin, and man what an ugly chin that is. I do wonder if maybe when he was younger he pulled a face only for the wind to blow and the old adage actually came true.

I have to admit I was impressed with the England team, as I was on Friday after the T20 win. It does certainly seem that the giant carrot of untold riches awaiting them in the winter has done wonders for the team. Both Bell and Colly couldn't have bought a run during the test period (maybe they should have a chat with uncle Allen as he seems to be able to buy runs by the van load) and yet by some miracle they both chalked up decent totals in these two matches. On the plus side if that is the effect the current situation is going to have on our team for the shorter version of the game then maybe that isn't a bad thing.

I think the batting order England have chosen is right, with Bell and Wright opening (although Wright's place might not be concrete) and Pietersen coming in at 3. The good thing is we seem to have a line up that can pretty much bat all the way down to 9, and this is without Freddie being in the team. It's just nice to see the openers going after the bowlers a bit more. The likes of Vaughan, Struass and Cook slow the scoring rate down at the start, they somehow seem wary of hitting big shots, almost as if they have been told by a trusted friend that every time they score a boundary an orangutan minding it's own business somewhere in Asia will die. It has to be said though, if that was the case cricket would be a very cruel game indeed, even crueler if they used the following scoring/punishment system...

If a player scores...

6 - A silver back gorilla which has been foolishly mistaken for a human man is rented a jet ski only to die in a freak but horrific lakeside boating accident

4 - Several Pandas are given only very basic training in hand to hand combat and then sent to the Middle East to attack the 'War on Terror' head on

3 - A chinchilla, which has had large earphones taped around it's head is forced to listen to all of Michael Bolton's albums, back to back and in their entirety

2 - Each and every cow in England is made to swear under oath that if they are sat down it is actually going to rain, if it doesn't you are allowed to push it over

1 - A kitten is shown a picture of Scott Styris

This is a scary thought, however, not as scary as the thought that, and in the words of the Independents cricket correspondent Stephen Brenkley, 'Stanford now runs cricket'. That my friends is a very scary thought.

I have to turn the light on and off Twenty20 times...

2008-06-11T12:08:00.005Z

Twenty20, this is really all we hear about in cricket at the moment, it's become a kind of OCD within the sport...must talk about T20, must see if there is a game of T20 on, must invest my entire life savings in T20, must...you get the idea. But why is it this is fast becoming the most popular version of the game? Or is Test cricket still No1 and I'm just being a pessimistic fool? Whatever your opinion or view it is clear it is here to stay and obvious that this once gimmicky version of a Divine sport has given the traditionalists a kick up the backside and a wet finger in the ear.

It can't have escaped any one's attention this week of the ECB's new plans to stage a 'Champions League' event for the top two teams from South Africa, India (IPL), Australia and the county scene in England. This would mean the winners and runners up of our domestic T20 competition will go on to play in the champions league for the chance to win 2 sackfuls of money. The runners up will receive 2 sackfuls of hair shaved from the rear legs of scarce and endangered snow leopards...although this runners up prize does still need to be confirmed, the Back Foot Punch mole was a little unsure of it's accuracy.

I guess once the IPL took off, which was inevitable really, as money really does talk, T20 was going to start becoming a high stakes focus for the game. Unfortunately you just can't argue with big bank rollers like Sir Allan Stanford, who if they put their mind (by this I mean wallet) to it they really will succeed (by this I mean ruin years of tradition) I have just seen an interview with him on the telly and they say he has had a long love affair with cricket, but I don't feel it has been an intimate relationship in which he has ploughed hours of his time and attention to, rather he fancied a quick slap and tickle in the rear of his Cadillac. Although he did have a T20 badge (which I am wondering if he 'designed' himself with some crayons) sewn onto his blazer, so he must know what he is talking about.

But it is big stakes now, with £500,000 for each of the winning players in the Stanford funded England vs West Indies XI. A similar life changing amount of money for the champions league winners. This is great and hopefully some loyal and hard grafting county players will get the chance to earn some of this, but I guess the question is not of money but of loyalty and it will be interesting to see how players who have been playing in the IPL will choose between their county or state and their franchise team. We will see.

Fatty's Gonna Get Yer...

2008-06-03T20:40:00.007Z

I think the IPL is over, actually I know it is as with my ashamed head in my hands I watched some of the final. It was a little like a Victorian peep show, every now and then I just had to pop another shilling in the lookey lookey hole for another look at the filthy show unfolding behind the curtain.

Actually the last 20 minutes was quite exciting, if for nothing more than to see Shane Warne and his team of misfits win the tournament. This was good on two levels, firstly the Rajistan Royals were written off at the start, they cost the least and did not have a squad packed full of the big names, secondly Warne showed us why he is still a massive (no I'm not talking about his waistline) influence in any form of the game. it wasn't that he went out in every game and bowled the team out for 10 runs or scored centuries with his bat (oh Shane that elusive century) but it was more his captaincy. The way he leads is exceptional, and only he could have given that team the hope and confidence they needed to go out there and win the competition. I think, but don't quote me, that one of the most expensive teams in the league finished last, talk about having your wallet nicked AND your trousers pulled down.

Sandwiches

2008-05-26T19:14:00.005Z

Around lunch time yesterday I sat with a delicious looking brie and bacon sandwich and an inward excitement at sitting down all day to watch the rest of the cricket. By the time I had finished the sandwich I felt bloated and sick and was nearly sent over the edge by England's batting display, although i use the word 'display' in it's loosest sense. To me a display is a man standing on the wing of an aircraft with just his pants holding him down as the plane swoops over your head, a feat of courage and sending shivers down the spine of every spectator. Oddly enough I didn't really feel that excitement watching England bat, they looked nervous, bored, tired, lazy, scared, listless...I could go on but really can't be bothered to. Which is exactly how England looked yesterday.

So led on the sofa, feeling sorry for myself with a artery blasting filler surging round my body, I didn't expect too much from the bowlers that would mean England weren't going to be chasing anything less than 350. I expected New Zealand to declare once they reached the target they had set themselves and then mock the England batsmen again.

But what's this? Do I see a fightback? Or are my eyes so full of bacon fat that they can no longer comprehend even basic images? No, a fightback it is! A fightback in the shape of a man with a beard and a bandanna! Monty bowled like a legend and the Kiwi's didn't even set us a target of over 300. But there is always that feeling at the bottom of every Englishman's stomach that screams 'I know it looks like we should do it but you just know we are going to fail!'

Fail we did not, Strauss had another great innings and added to his 11 Test centuries, Vaughan batted well and Pietersen played well for his 42. things did become a little more depressing when Bell and Collingwood were at the crease, I could almost feel their impending doom sat with me on the sofa, but they stayed in and brought us home.

In all fairness we should be winning these Tests, but we are making it very difficult for ourselves. New Zealand are a good team and have a lot of tough players but we should still be beating them, hopefully our middle order can pick things up a bit, or the arrival of the South Africans could look daunting.

Editorial Amendment...

2008-05-19T19:41:00.006Z

We here at the Back Foot Punch are purveyors of quality and do all that we can to ensure the information displayed on it's pages is up to date, factual and not in any way used in a libelous case against us. And so it is with an unwagging England tail between our legs that we have to make the following amendment to the previous post on this page.

It turns out Ravi 'I don't want yo money' Bopara has a Mr Hyde side to his Dr Jekyll. Which is a shame as I was all for making Ravi some sort of saviour of values in world cricket, to be capped by erecting a bronze statue of him in the car park outside my house as a symbol of hope and prosperity through the murky deluge of T20 cricket. But I guess we all have to let others down sometimes, for one reason or another.

In all fairness to Ravi there is no reason he shouldn't enjoy the riches available, but I feel here he is just looking for a good bit of old fashioned mind games with the England selectors. Its a 'hey pick me or I'm off' approach, which may well not be required by next season if the ECB allow our players to join in with their buddies in the IPL.

How did I let everyone down? Well I just simply would never would have been given the planning permission to install such an eyesore outside my house, and anyway, it would look silly next to the 20ft papier mache Bob Willis I had put on the roof last year.

Hello, Is There Anybody There?

2008-05-06T19:56:00.006Z

I've been gone for a while, stuck writing reports and giving presentations. How boring, how dull, how ever did I manage to keep my sanity I will never know. But I do know there has been a whole world of cricket going on, while I have been sat in depressing university classrooms there have been lofty drives and top of off stump deliveries happening all around me. Obviously not physically around me in the classroom, that would just be silly, and what would health and safety have to say about that...

So whats been happening,

Ravi Bopara has turned down a lucrative deal with the IPL to fight for his place in the England team. Well, if i had a hat on it would be off straight away, what a great decision he has made. True, he still eyes a cash prize later on in his career via maybe the big money games, but fair play, all the England cricketers deserve to share in the new found riches. But what was great was his aspirations were not to fill his pockets with notes but to fill his study with England caps.
Mahmood followed Ravi's lead and has stated he wants to fight for his England place, well bravo again. But he does have a much harder task at the end of the day. England seem to have a good set of pace bowlers at the moment and fighting his way into that could be an uphill struggle.
The IPL ploughs on, haven't looked at the results for ages but have heard it is still sending thousands of Indians delirious for a few hours as they pack into the stadiums to watch the travelling circus. Roll up Roll up!
Freddie is injured again, but to be honest it would have been way to quick for him to be playing in the Lord's test. Freddie if you're reading just sort yourself out ready for the South Africans, it will be a much tougher test series (no offence to any Kiwis, but you get my meaning) and we will need that little extra bit of pace in the attack.
Michael has still not been voted off of 'The Apprentice' which is a massive blow to anyone who is against complete assholes being on TV...sorry wrong blog
Hampshire continue to struggle in all forms of the game at the moment, no Warne, no Bond, No Udal and now, for at least the next few weeks, no Mascarenhas. Hard to see us getting many results this summer, but then we did beat Gloucestershire when looking more out of it than Bez on a night out

There has been huge amounts more of course, but I simply have taken my eye of the ball for the last few weeks. In many respects this is a feeble filler just to get the juices flowing once again, and for me to stop being so lazy and get on with it!

Bore Draw

2008-05-06T10:15:00.003Z

The votes are in, one of the most eagerly anticipated polls of the last few weeks has finally reached a conclusion, 'Should Harbahjan have given Sreesanth a slap around the mush, Yes - No?' Well the waiting is over and without any further delays here is the result:

50% of you said it was the right thing to do

and quite staggeringly, with no whiff of a scandal,

50% of you said Harbahjan was a naughty little boy

What do you do with this earth shattering information? How will it be received throughout the cricketing fraternity? To find out I interviewed one of the 'major' players in world cricket today, Sir Allan Stanford, to discover out how he took the news.

Gareth - 'Sir Allan, how did you feel when you heard the news of Harbahjan giving his international team mate a slap around the face?'

Sir Allan - 'A what? Who are you son? You smell funny, you're not one of those pesky Ewing's are you! I told you already I ain't selling...'

G - 'No Sir Allan, I'm from 'The Back Foot Punch', remember? I'm meeting you to discuss cricket?'

SA - 'Cricket? What's that son? You sure are a strange man, why you don't even have a moustache'

G - 'You know, the sport you're throwing millions of pounds at? Disregarding tradition? Cheapening the game to see the death of it's most loved Test format?...oh and I could have one if I wanted, it's just they're a bit Magnum PI for me'

SA - 'Oh the sticky stick game! Oh I likes that, seeing those funny little men throwing that ball around, the others trying to hit it with those tiny wooden poles!. Yeah I'm gonna make that real big, as big as Texas! I ain't got time to sit around for 5 days
waiting for the game to end, no sir! So I am planning to make more changes'

G - 'Changes?'

SA - 'Yep, for a start I'm swapping those bats and balls for something a bit more manly, lookey here'

At this point Sir Allen showed me a picture of a man in a monster truck driving into a 30ft high '100%' real beef set of wickets, which were on fire.

G - 'Yes well, I guess I really had better be going, it was 'nice' to have met you, any last comment on the Harbahjan incident?'

SA - 'I ain't saying nothing without a lawyer present'

So not as informational as you might have thought, but that in reality was what was to be expected.

So in conclusion, half thought it OK, half didn't, Sir Allan is a complete tool and I need to be basing poll results on more than just 4 votes.

Roll up, Roll up...

2008-05-05T19:08:00.003Z

Ah yes, the familiar sounds of a county ground, the rustling of food wrappers, the distant voices of players on the field, the thwack of the ball as it shudders off the bat, the sound of bumper cars...WHAT!

I shouldn't complain really, it was family day at The Rose Bowl, but I still can't see there being room for bumper cars at a county cricket ground. Still that wasn't as annoying as those blow up sticks they give out now, to be incessantly banged together at any given time, I wouldn't mind if it was for a 4, 6 or a wicket, but kids just sat there randomly smacking them together. I did have a good day though, especially as Hampshire sealed an unlikely win.

Hampshire in all fairness were lucky the rain interrupted the break between innings, I don't think they would have made the 351 needed to beat Gloucestershire. And so as the rain lashed down in stepped Duckworth Lewis with his large wellies and comforting arm around the Hawks, reducing the target to 240 in 30 overs.

Hampshire started their chase well with Carberry and Lumb putting on 52 before Lumb was run out on 30. KP came to the crease and you could feel the expectation swell around the crowd (I use the tern crowd in it's most loosest of senses, why? Well during the rain break pretty much everyone left, fearing it would be abandoned, Ha! the fools) and he did play some good shots, as well as some wild swinging around shots and was eventually caught for 23 playing a long lofted drive which fell just short of the boundary and into the welcoming hands of Taylor.

Ervine didn't fair much better , again caught for 15, which not long after brought about the demise of Carberry for a fighting 60. That left Hampshire on 135 - 4 and a run rate creeping up around the 10 - 11 mark. I admit I began to fear the worst and thought in envy of those clever enough to have already made an exit. But Hampshire have to thank Pothas (who I had the misfortune to see in just wicket keeping gloves as a result of the 'Naked Hawks' calender in the shop) and Benham, who made a fine stand and put on 97 between them. Pothas fell just before the end but Hampshire ended up winning by 5 wickets. Jolly good.

On my way out I realised I had parked my car next to Nick Knight and Paul Allot, who followed me out of the car park in his nice shiny BMW, only to disappear into a tiny dot on the landscape once we reached the motorway. Damn this 1.2 Fiesta.

Thanks, But No Thanks

2008-05-03T14:43:00.005Z

I think I can finally say the IPL has kind of hit the wall for me. Yeah I admit I was excited at the start and my cheeks redden slightly at the thought of being suckered in by the whole thing. But what was I to do? My head started spinning at the prospect of all these great players in one arena battling it out for the right to be IPL champions. Oh how young and foolish I was to have been wooed in by such cheap and underhand tactics.

I now feel like I have somehow been cheated, short changed at the cricket checkout which I only found out once I had got home and it was too late to go back.

Why? Well I'm not sure, I mean on paper it has the lot, the best players, scarily excited crowds (which I read recently a large majority of are let into the stadiums for free), boundaries every other ball and cheerleaders to celebrate runs and wickets. So whats the problem? It's a little like a mathematical conundrum where I have all the data and figures but just can't seem to get them to add up. Whatever the problem is I just can't seem to stop this empty feeling I now get when I think about the IPL. The solution? Ah, well that is easier to fathom out.

I need to be nourished, my weak and frail body demanding the gut busting feeling you get out of real cricket. What better way to do this than a trip to the Rose Bowl for a Friends Provident (OK, maybe the 50 over form is a little tired these days) match between Hampshire and Gloucestershire. I expect to leave the ground full to bursting point with good, honest and wholesome cricket. Of course the rain may have something to say about that, but a glimpse of KP swinging his bat about and charging down the wicket will do me just fine.

Hair Today...

2008-04-28T21:47:00.006Z

Daryll hair is due to come back into the lime light of test cricket (yes test cricket is still the Michelin star in world cricket, despite the battery farmed KFC approach from the Twenty20) in May which will see him umpire the second test between England and New Zealand. Good news, he's a good umpire and would be missed. I wonder if he's going to be a little tentative on that first decision, was it LBW or dipping down the leg side? Was there a nick on the bat as the ball flew past or was it a little glove? Oh don't worry Daryll, if you feel a bit uncomfortable and you're not sure what decision to giive, just give it a little Eeny, meeny, miny mo... actually on second thoughts.

Meanwhile naughty Harbahjan has been banned from the IPL for 11 matches for his cheeky slap round the face of Sreesanth. Oh dear, that does leave the Mumbai Indians in a bit of a jam, or a chutney maybe? Especially as they got the Gilly treatment last night, the legendary Aussie keeper hitting more boundaries than dot balls being bowled.

Hogg Roast

2008-04-26T17:58:00.005Z

Well Hampshire lost, actually they got whipped, Yorkshire winning by an innings and 27 runs, which is not great. But I'm forever the optimist and was glad to see Hoggy taking wickets and staking a claim for a place in the test side to face New Zealand. Personally I would have him playing, anlong with Broad, Sidebottom and Panesar. I know Anderson took wickets during the away tour but man is he inconsistent.

Harbhajan is creating havoc again, this time turning on his own international team mate and giving Sreesanth a slap around the face. Result? Did Sreesanth retaliate with a series of devastating blows to reduce the cowering off spinner to little more than a tiny baby? Well not quite, actually the slap made the poor little fellow cry. Tut tut Harbhajan.

Money Can't Buy Me Love

2008-04-24T20:16:00.005Z

I can't believe what I have just read, I am seriously at a loss as to why a mustachioed Texan, albeit a billionaire mustachioed Texan, thinks that by piling in millions of pounds he can make T20 cricket the most popular sport in the world.

I have issues with this, major ones, my issues are so big in fact that I had the planning department round knocking at my door demanding to see my permission to have such a large issue in my driveway. Children have begun to cry when they see the huge nasty issues sat outside my house, the parents disgusted with the way they sneer and make fun of them as they walk past. People now call me the 'issue man'. Over reacting? Well maybe, but I'm looking at this not through the eyes of my wallet or bank statement, which is sports greatest affliction at the moment.

It annoys me that an American, who OK has invested a lot of money into the West Indian cricket scene which is great, thinks he can over ride years and years of tradition and pure fan ship of English sport by throwing buckets of cash at the thing. That's the thing with Americans, and I don't mean to generalise, but they have no idea of the sporting culture we British have and what it is like to have your beloved club bought and sold like an old sock, just look at Liverpool and the fans torment at seeing their club being dirtied by it's American owners. Unfortunately there are elements of this creeping into our sporting scene, with sponsorship becoming the biggest player of all. When you look at the football stadiums that are being rebuilt only to then be called after their sponsors name, I mean, where's the soul in 'The Emirates Stadium'?

But back to Allen, he says cricket can be the biggest sport in the world? Well that's great, and hey if that was true even better as I love cricket and the sportsman who play it should get rewarded for the job they do. But if we're honest and if he had any idea about sport in this country he would know football will always be the winner. Globally it will always be the winner, just because its not in America they seem to think it's a joke.

So whats on his to do list I wonder? Because if he thinks by ploughing money into T20 cricket he is going to create some sort of world dominating sport he is mistaken. For a start he will have to rinse out of the majority of British inhabitants their love of football, their supporting of teams that has been handed down generation to generation like a priceless heirloom. Money won't count there.

What about those of us who don't want T20 cricket to be the main form of the game, where is his thoughts for those around the world who enjoy the traditional Tests which is still the best form of the game. Im not sure he would care if test cricket became the novelty version, reduced to a few exhibition matches here and then, with 400 million pounds of tripe for the winner. Im not sure he would he care that over a hundred years of heritage with test cricket would be lost, becoming the black sheep of the cricket family, only to be replaced by the noisy little oik that was only supposed to stay over for a week but somehow maneged to get his feet under the table by having a rich uncle to help him out.

I could go on and on and on. You see I love sport, be it cricket, football or rugby. I am also more than aware of what it means to pick a team, a team for life. I'm not sure this is something Americans understand, the amount of passion we put into supporting our teams and country is amazing and it would take a lot more than a large pocketed American with a tache to tell me otherwise. And I'm sure I'm not alone.

New Balls Please...

2008-04-23T19:33:00.008Z

Pink ball! pink ball! Oh my Lords it's a pink ball.

Mind you, over the last few years cricketers have been using pink bat handles in aid of Cancer Research, so the introduction of a pink ball shouldn't cause too many waves.

Why pink though? Well they have found the white ball used in limited overs cricket becomes marked rather quickly, making it more difficult for the batsmen to pick it up. Apparently the pink one will have a little more life in it. But what next? Pink fluffy balls as the standard pink ones hurt the fielders hands when catching?

On another note, tonight I have seen the Mumbai Indians lose their second match, this time against the Chennai Super kings. It went to the wire after a very shaky start to the Indians innings, in the end losing by just 8 runs. It would seem I have continued my 'winning streak' of picking teams that struggle in whatever sport it is they play. Add to this the fact I am an Englishman and my sporting woes are nearly off the chart. There was some fun to be had watching the Mumbai match though, that is the 'cheerleaders' they have poncing about at the boundary edge, a set for each team. Chennai had two girls and 2 blokes in their dancing team, dressed all in yellow, apart from one of the blokes who was covered in red stains. To be honest it looked as if he has spent the entire afternoon shining balls...for the bowlers...OK, lets end this thread before Sid James turns up and starts pointing out your googlies.

I see now the ECB are considering a similar event to that of the IPL, with the backing of Sir Allen Stanford. A one off match is already looking likely between a West Indies All Stars and England with the winner taking home a nice 10 million pay check. Not bad for 40 overs work. And why shouldn't they have this chance, they deserve to have the same opportunities as the other cricketers who have signed up to the IPL. Good on them I say, lets hope they get to share in the money surrounding T20 at the moment.

Get Behind Me Satan (or should that be Satanta?)

2008-04-20T14:16:00.006Z

I'm feeling it today, staying up into the early hours of the morning to watch the Calzaghe fight has taken it out of me, or was it the 12 pints I had before hand? Who knows, it will forever remain a mystery, which is exactly unlike the IPL, which has thrown off its invisibility cloak, declared itself 'the second coming' and spent the last few days sending crickets balls into outer space.

I've never seen so many sixes in such a short space of time, McCullum and Hussey responsible for the majority of them as they hooned their way to quick 100's. McCullum ending up on the highest ever individual score in a T20 match, not bad going I guess.

I sat and watched the Mumbai Indians yesterday, like the loyal follower of them that I am (for those of you who despise the IPL please don't hate me). This was until my Setanta displayed nothing but a blank screen, obviously deciding it didn't want to send me pictures all the way from India any more. In some ways it seemed a sign from the cricketing gods, a slap on the wrist for daring to feast my eyes upon the worlds biggest names all playing for pride, passion and...oh hold on a minute I meant to type 'massive wads' of cash. So instead I turned over to Sky Sports and watched the Durham/Yorkshire FP match, which as it turned out was pretty bloody good.

Sadly though you can see where the allure of the IPL would hurt the English county scene, especially for the young thrill seekers amongst us. I mean, in Mumbai there was a stadium packed to the rafters with 40,000 screaming fans, deliriously cheering on their respective team and world stars battling it out in the middle. In Durham water laden clouds hovered above a grey and empty ground, a smattering of fans clapped politely at well placed shots or good length balls. And its only saving grace? The cricket of course, two teams with good players and an exciting ending, one man nearly dropped his pie it alleged in a local paper the next day. But I for one felt better, glad in fact that Setanta had fled from the scene (or should that be screen?), it's head held shamefully in its hands as it thought about what it had done. And instead I had sat there and watched a good game of cricket with great players. The whole thing made me feel somewhat sanitised, I would even go as far to say county cricket had taken me from my mucky pit of filth, showered me with a delightful jasmine and spearmint foamy body wash, tousled my soft conditioned hair and sent me off with a smile on my face.

But then again, we all have our weak moments, and it is with a devilish smile on my face that I wonder how long it will be again before I am swimming in the murky and dark waters of the IPL?

Stuffy Classrooms

2008-04-17T20:22:00.003Z

It has to be said, the worst place to be on the opening day of the county season is stuck in a university classroom pretending to be interested in the finer details of conflict management. Still that was where I sat whilst out there Freddie bowled and Ramps notched up his 98th 1st class 100. The only thing to render the whole situation a major slap in the face was the cup of Earl Grey tea I had from the canteen. Quite frankly I thought of spitting out the whole disgusting mouthful and demanding to be taken to the Rose Bowl immediately to see how the Hawks were getting on. The least they could do I thought.

On another note, albeit the note that is on everybody's lips, the IPL is now but a day away. Now lets see, where will I be on the day a new tournament opens for the first time that could potentially change the face of cricket forever, will I be there? In India? Queuing with the rest of the masses (or few) for a seat in Bangalore? No, I will be sat in the office at work staring down at the glowing screen of my computer wondering what is going on in Bangalore.

But on the plus side I have decided on the team I shall be supporting during the contest, an exercise I thought important and to make the contest at least have some meaning for me. And who have I plumped for?? Well I'm putting my faith in the Mumbai Indians.

Why? Well firstly they have the 'Little Master' at the helm, a player who is wonderful to watch, secondly they have some great bowling skills present with the likes of Fernando, Malinga, Harbajan and of course the recently retired Pollock. But most importantly, and really the clincher was the inclusion of Loots Bosman, because anyone called Loots will always get my vote. Unless of course his name was Betty Wobblesponger, which would be infinitely more funny.

Love...IPL...Hate

2008-04-14T19:44:00.006Z

We are now just days away from the eagerly anticipated, for whatever reason, Indian Premier League (IPL). No matter what you have to say about it there is going to be something spectacular about watching the worlds best players, who have practically whored themselves out for huge wodges of cash, performing in this rebel league. It makes the original rebel competition, the Indian Cricket League (ICL) look about as rebellious as a nun confessing to eating an extra roll at dinner.

So what will it be like? Who knows? Well no one does, that's the beauty of it. We have had these incredible sums of money changing hands and all of it really a gamble. But then again what is there to gamble about, if you wave enough money around it surely cant fail to succeed can it?? Personally I'm looking forward to it, I know that will have the real purists wanting to tie me to a tree and allow me to die by being eaten slowly via small woodland creatures, but lets face it, the tournament is going to be littered with the worlds best bowlers fighting it out with the cream of the crop with the willow, so what more could you want? But wait a minute, let me just untie my hands here and flick off some of the field mice that have been nibbling at my feet. There is a little doubt in my mind about this brash and mouthy league, so before I get too carried away lets look at a few of the problems as I see it.

Firstly, this competition is going to have less soul than a David Hasselhoff concert. There simply isn't anything better than county or international test cricket, fact. Secondly, one of the reasons I have been more drawn to cricket over the years is because I became so fed up with the money drenched football premier league that seeing these sportsmen out there performing at the highest level for their county or country for a fraction of the wages was refreshing. There is also the impact the loss of players is going to have on the counties during the opening few weeks of the county season. Shane Warne has already packed up and headed off and could mean more follow. This isn't good, but I guess on the flip side there may be more opportunity for young English cricketers to come through the ranks and be given a chance.

It's going to be a strange old time over the next month or so, but I guess it is here and whether we like it or not the IPL is going to happen. Lets just hope it becomes a great novelty spectacle to be enjoyed but not taken too seriously, we don't want the end of good competitive cricket in the formats we already find exciting enough.

India Spin When They're Winning

2008-04-13T14:38:00.003Z

The third and final test has been played of South Africa's tour of India, with the hosts picking up a win to draw the series 1 - 1. India went in to the second innings with a slender lead of 60 runs but soon had the South Africans in a sweat and wishing they could pack their bags back up, slip off the old leg pads and quietly vanish into the sunset.

What was obvious was the heat clearly wasn't the only thing getting to the tourists, as the spin of the Indian bowlers soon took effect. Although Chawla (0 - 18) appeared to be as effective as a one legged duck throwing boiled eggs down the wicket, the spin of Harbhajan (4 - 44) and the part time bowler Sehwag (3 - 12), whose first delivery took the wicket of Kallis (15), reduced South Africa to 79 - 4. Sehwag then took the wicket of Smith (35), which effectively ended the game for South Africa. Sehwag had added two more names to his impressive collection of top order batsmen, he might only have taken 20 odd test wickets, but for a part time bowler he's got the better of some of the games best.

After the break Harbhajan took the wicket of AB De Villiers (7) and the tourists found themselves in real trouble on 90 - 5, a lead of just 30 overall, so the last thing they needed was their trousers pulled down with the loss of more wickets. Step up Sharma (2 - 18), brought into the attack by the captain, Dhoni, and before you knew it two more quick wickets fell which left the game practically over. So over in fact that I decided to pop down to Tesco's to quickly get my weekly bits, by the time I had got back the Indian batsmen had scored the required 62 runs and the players were dusting themselves down in the pavilion and laughing at a photo of Graham Smiths mum in the nude. Why they had that picture is unknown, what is even more unknown is why they were all stood there in the nude, but then that's cricket.

To Prove a Point...

2008-04-11T11:53:00.004Z

What was missing from lasts nights one day match between the West Indies and Sri Lanka? Well nothing actually, I apologise if you were waiting to hear some insight into why the game had in fact fallen flat on its face. No, that couldn't be further from the truth and with such a dramatic end to the contest it laid its claim to one of the best one day matches...oh I don't know, since a week last Tuesday.

But the main point for me and everyone else I'm sure was the great Shiv Chanderpaul, hitting a 4 through mid-off and then a 6 over the head of Sri Lanka's captain to seal the match. Did Shiv hear the news of his rightful inclusion in the Wisden top 5 cricketers of the year and think, 'right, I'm going to go out there and show em why I'm in that list' or was it just pure brilliance from the man England could not get out during the Windies last tour. Whatever the case may be, Chanderpaul showed why he's one of the best batsmen out there.

One thing did strike me about lasts nights match though, I noticed Charminda Vaas was without his familiar face cream, you know, the cream that looks like a giant white beard on his face. Maybe this omission by Vaas had in some way affected his potency, maybe, maybe not, but one thing we do know for sure is that this particular issue will not be a talking point in any cricketing circles, shame.

Introductions and Handshakes

2008-04-10T21:39:00.006Z

OK, lets get one thing straight before we begin, I have never played cricket in my life. Well actually that's not strictly true, I mean we have all drawn a set of stumps on a garage door and played till the local residents came out to see what all the noise was. But I have never played for a team, been involved in a real competitive match. I expect I would be useless of course, I can imagine my first ball going out for a golden duck, or charging towards the crease, ball in hand and looking up to see the face of a wide eyed batsman, watching in horror as a 90mph beamer flew towards him. OK, maybe not 90mph, but you get my gist.

So, what do I know about cricket? Well if I am honest, not bloody much. I'm easily bamboozled by cricket terms and fielding positions, but then who isn't. And I'm still trying to get to grips with all the different domestic games and tournaments, which isn't helped by the introduction of the new IPL, and the existing ICL which isn't recognised by the ICC, which leaves me all sweaty and confused as to who plays for who, in what format...and the madness goes on!

But I am slowly getting there, so yes there will probably be glaring errors in my writings, you may wonder if i actually have half a fish for a brain. Its not all about the facts and figures though, and sometimes its just enough to sit down to a good game of cricket, watching as the game ebbs and flows, how one over can change the entire focus of the game and the team with their nose in front is now up against it. And that is what is great about cricket, it has everything a decent sporting fellow like me could want.

So I hope to be able to put in my two pennies worth, it may not be full of fact and knowledgeable comment, but it will be honest and the view of a man sat in his chair (or seat at the Rose Bowl when I can) about what is going on.